When I am at my best in creative cooking, I can make the tastiest spice rub for pumpkin seeds. This only happens once a year. Basil and wine vinegar, curry and cumin and garlic salt, cinnamon and nutmeg and sugar, salt and olive oil (the old stand by). I feel endless. I feel boundless. And the only thing that can stop me is finishing off what's lurking in my spice cabinet.
When I am at my most musical self, I can diffuse Bach into numbers. I can listen to pop music and find the Prince, the Michael Jackson, even the Mozart and Beethoven that lies within it. I can write a lullaby that would make a robot cry. My voice will sound like the ocean because that's what I want it to do. It will crash on you.
And when I am at my most loving, I can make you cry. I can make you scream and I can make you beg. That's all I'll say about that.
But if I'm not alone, I can't be any of that. If I'm not solitary, I'm the spice rub you want, the music you like, the love you need.
Where the hell have I gone?
Monday, October 30, 2006
Sunday, October 22, 2006
I give love a bad name: A history.
Three sentences about each boyfriend, in chronological order:
1. Abe (5th grade): First really real for real boyfriend. We dated for four months and then I broke his heart by lying and told him my aunt had died and that I was grieving so I had to break up with him. I don't think we ever kissed.
2. Troy (6th grade): We were friends and hung out with the same people. We dated for a month and then I broke his heart and he cried. A lot.
3. Abe (again, 7th-9th grade): I stalked him for a while after we broke up because I had made the "biggest mistake of my life" (God if I had a quarter for every time I claimed that). We got back together for a year and a half and then I broke his heart again in nith grade to become goth. Yeah, I know.
5. Jeff (9th grade):. He was a senior and I thought I was so cool because I was dating him. Then I realized that you're only cool when dating a senior if the senior himself is cool, which he wasn't. I broke his heart by not wanting to be seen with a boy who was way too big into silk shirts with dragons on them.
4. Greg (10th grade): During the hell that is gym class, I was crying because my biology teacher had made fun of me (again) and he made me feel better. He was my first prom and my first... you know, and was really very sweet. I broke his heart by growing up too quickly.
5. Tony (11th grade): Tony liked to verbally abuse me. I "loved" him, though. It was the most painful relationship I've ever been in. I broke his heart by getting some dignity.
6. Ray: Ray actually came into the picture in 7th grade but he's here because he was always... somewhere. I've probably broken his heart more times than anyone has ever had their heart broken by the same person. He's the kindest, gentlest guy ever, but it would never work and he still tells me he loves me (8 years after he met me).
7. Brooks: Brooks first showed up in tenth grade and didn't go to my school. We dated for a while and then he broke my heart to date someone else. I broke his by not taking him back when he was crying on the phone and telling me he loved me.
8. Seamus: Seamus was another guy that was always there and claimed love, but never really played a big part until he house sat for my friend Cory while they were on vacation and we had sex on their couch. I was unaware that he was dating Cory's sister. I broke his heart by never talking to him again.
9. Matt: I met him when I was a senior in high school and we were engaged for a little over a year. He refused to pick a date, though, and eventually I found out that he'd only proposed because he had thought that's what I wanted. I broke his heart because I couldn't respect him if he didn't respect me.
10. Owen: I met Owen a month after Matt and I were done. He was a glass blowing student at RISD and has since droppe dout ot practice art in the real world. I broke his heart by informing him 10 minutes before I moved out of our apartment in Providence that I was moving to Connecticut and I can vividly remember prying him off of me forcefully and walking out the door.
11. Rob: Rob and I had the kind of relationship that kills you. We were so intense and not very stable, but it was a good exercise in life and I'm grateful for everything that we had. I broke his heart by cheating on him.
12. Michael: I met Michael at Club Hell in Providence because he was wearing an Atreyu sweatshirt and at the time I was into them. We danced a couple times and I thought I'd never see him again, but then I locked my keys in my car and used his AAA card to get help. We dated for two months and somehow broke up, but neither of us knows who did the breaking.
13. Jay: We met through Rob as they went to the same school. Jay was really one of the best boyfriends I've ever had, but in the end I broke his heart because we were too different. He is one of the most dignified and morally stong men I've ever met.
I don't know if you've been keeping count, but I've only been officially broken up with once. I am a jerk apparently? Or maybe I just have high standards. You know, whatever gets me to sleep at night.
1. Abe (5th grade): First really real for real boyfriend. We dated for four months and then I broke his heart by lying and told him my aunt had died and that I was grieving so I had to break up with him. I don't think we ever kissed.
2. Troy (6th grade): We were friends and hung out with the same people. We dated for a month and then I broke his heart and he cried. A lot.
3. Abe (again, 7th-9th grade): I stalked him for a while after we broke up because I had made the "biggest mistake of my life" (God if I had a quarter for every time I claimed that). We got back together for a year and a half and then I broke his heart again in nith grade to become goth. Yeah, I know.
5. Jeff (9th grade):. He was a senior and I thought I was so cool because I was dating him. Then I realized that you're only cool when dating a senior if the senior himself is cool, which he wasn't. I broke his heart by not wanting to be seen with a boy who was way too big into silk shirts with dragons on them.
4. Greg (10th grade): During the hell that is gym class, I was crying because my biology teacher had made fun of me (again) and he made me feel better. He was my first prom and my first... you know, and was really very sweet. I broke his heart by growing up too quickly.
5. Tony (11th grade): Tony liked to verbally abuse me. I "loved" him, though. It was the most painful relationship I've ever been in. I broke his heart by getting some dignity.
6. Ray: Ray actually came into the picture in 7th grade but he's here because he was always... somewhere. I've probably broken his heart more times than anyone has ever had their heart broken by the same person. He's the kindest, gentlest guy ever, but it would never work and he still tells me he loves me (8 years after he met me).
7. Brooks: Brooks first showed up in tenth grade and didn't go to my school. We dated for a while and then he broke my heart to date someone else. I broke his by not taking him back when he was crying on the phone and telling me he loved me.
8. Seamus: Seamus was another guy that was always there and claimed love, but never really played a big part until he house sat for my friend Cory while they were on vacation and we had sex on their couch. I was unaware that he was dating Cory's sister. I broke his heart by never talking to him again.
9. Matt: I met him when I was a senior in high school and we were engaged for a little over a year. He refused to pick a date, though, and eventually I found out that he'd only proposed because he had thought that's what I wanted. I broke his heart because I couldn't respect him if he didn't respect me.
10. Owen: I met Owen a month after Matt and I were done. He was a glass blowing student at RISD and has since droppe dout ot practice art in the real world. I broke his heart by informing him 10 minutes before I moved out of our apartment in Providence that I was moving to Connecticut and I can vividly remember prying him off of me forcefully and walking out the door.
11. Rob: Rob and I had the kind of relationship that kills you. We were so intense and not very stable, but it was a good exercise in life and I'm grateful for everything that we had. I broke his heart by cheating on him.
12. Michael: I met Michael at Club Hell in Providence because he was wearing an Atreyu sweatshirt and at the time I was into them. We danced a couple times and I thought I'd never see him again, but then I locked my keys in my car and used his AAA card to get help. We dated for two months and somehow broke up, but neither of us knows who did the breaking.
13. Jay: We met through Rob as they went to the same school. Jay was really one of the best boyfriends I've ever had, but in the end I broke his heart because we were too different. He is one of the most dignified and morally stong men I've ever met.
I don't know if you've been keeping count, but I've only been officially broken up with once. I am a jerk apparently? Or maybe I just have high standards. You know, whatever gets me to sleep at night.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
I am a nice girl.
I am a nice girl.
Your mom would probably love me,
But that's because she doesn't know
That I thoroughly enjoy bourbon
And can put my leg behind my head
Well. What she doesn't know
Can't hurt her. However,
It will probably kill you.
Your mom would probably love me,
But that's because she doesn't know
That I thoroughly enjoy bourbon
And can put my leg behind my head
Well. What she doesn't know
Can't hurt her. However,
It will probably kill you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
