I am a flip floppy camel

I have terrible posture. Every once in a while I catch myself at work all hunched over, and I am pretty sure that to any onlooker I resemble the letter "c." "C" is for cripple. Crone. Crazy cat lady with a hump. These are the things I see in my future.

It seems like there should be a simple solution to this problem. "Sit up straight!" right? Problem: I don't even know what it feels like to sit up straight. It doesn't feel like I'm doing it right. It feels like my shoulders are all pinched together in the back and I totally have no idea what to do with my head. I feel like I look silly.

Some ergonomics expert guy came to talk to us at work about how to hold ourselves to avoid pain. Fuck you, ergonomics guy. When I try to sit up straight and suck in my tummy, that shit is downright uncomfortable. It is causing pain. Maybe it's because my muscles are weak and sad due to years of compression but dammit. Ugh. I'm doing it now and it's making me sweat because I hate it so much. I'm not out of shape, I just have a bad shape. I have no idea what this body is for. I thought its purpose was breaking down the alcohol that goes in my mouth but I guess there's more to it. Dammit.

I asked for a large stability ball for Giftmas to use in place of my desk chair at work. That would be awesome. But since people make me waste my time assembling wish lists that they gleefully disregard (because they "know me so well!"), I will probably get a scented candle and smelly bath things. Here is a hint: nobody wants smelly bath things. Cucumber melon does not smell better than what I use now. It smells like day old pee pee. I use what I use because I like it.

I guess the moral is that if you have kids, tell them to damn sit up effing straight or they will end up like that poor girl on the internet. Secondary moral? Don't give cucumber melon anything, ever.

Open your ears

- I like Iron & Wine.
- Me too.
- Is that guy's name Sam Beam or Sam Bean?
- I think it's Beam.
- Bean? Like Jim Bean?
- No, Beam. They're both Beam.
- That's what I said. Jim Bean. Jim Mexican Jumping Bean.
- NO. JIM BEAM AND SAM BEAM.
- Ohhh. Like tractor beam. Got it.
- You need to stop watching X-Files. You should probably also consider NEW EARS.

Things you don't need to know

FACT: Cubicle walls are great because I can pick my nose and my wedgies. You know you do it too.

FACT: I always check my blogroll and daily reading websites in the same order and refuse to check my e-mail until I have caught up on all 50 or so of them. This is like saving dessert for later because you know the wait will make it SO WORTH IT. But most of the time my e-mail is like cake that is dry and annoying and... filled with spam?

FACT: I am writing a song. It is pretty terrible but I'm singing it anyway at the holiday party for work because someone asked me to and I ain't singin' no mo' covers.

FACT: I once french kissed a french guy. Bet you didn't know! Now you do! His name was Simon (pronounced see-MOAN). It is a lie that they are good at it unless your definition of good is "tongue wrangling salivating mess."

FACT: I never know whether the punctuation goes inside the quotation marks or not if it's not a conversation. A better person might try to find out but LAY OFF.

FACT: I have run out of facts.