Today is not a good day for me. It is a GREAT DAY for panic. Panic loves today. LOVES IT. I have been experiencing this current panic attack for about an hour now. I am tired! You won, panic. Now get the eff out.
But no, the panic doesn't leave until I've freaked out in a full blown attack. This has been a slow burn attack because thanks to years of teaching myself to cope I have forgotten how to let go and just let the terror take over and dissolve on its own. Instead I am currently stuck in stasis, rationalizing my chest pain, naming the disconnected feeling as brain chemical imbalance, forcing myself to breathe deeply and ultimately failing terrifically at helping this thing to pass.
I feel like shit, is what I'm trying to get at.
I tried to take my mind off it. I tried watching TV. I stretched and did some yoga. I made a flippin' casserole! I DO NOT EVEN WANT A CASSEROLE, YOU GUYS. But it was something to do and now my oven is filled with brown rice / lentil pot-o-stuff. I will soon grate cheese for my unwanted casserole in yet another attempt to FUCKING GET OVER IT.
I need pills or something, dudes. I need to get my brains medicated because this is just not cutting it anymore.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
25 more
26. Teach a kid how to make a flower headband
27. Ride an elephant
28. Have a vacation someplace tropical where all I do is drink fruity drinks in the sun and/or pool.
29. Lose 15 pounds
30. Run a 5k for a good cause
31. Donate $100 to an organization I believe in
32. Vacation with my sister
33. See my sister find and do what she loves
34. Take my Mom to Mexico
35. Hear my grandpa play with his Navy band again
36. Get my dad something autographed by the goalie of the 1984 USA Olympic Hockey Team
37. Play hockey with my dad
38. Get better at ice skating
39. Teach a kid how to ride a bike
40. Hike at least 100 miles of the Appalachian trail
41. Enjoy a cafe au lait in Paris
42. Vacation with Justin
43. See the Louvre. All of it.
44. Tell off a racist
45. Share a milkshake with Justin: two straws, one cup
46. Drink expensive champagne
47. Cook Thanksgiving dinner for my family
48. Hug a long lost friend
49. Write a poem for Justin
50. Draw a picture for Jessica
27. Ride an elephant
28. Have a vacation someplace tropical where all I do is drink fruity drinks in the sun and/or pool.
29. Lose 15 pounds
30. Run a 5k for a good cause
31. Donate $100 to an organization I believe in
32. Vacation with my sister
33. See my sister find and do what she loves
34. Take my Mom to Mexico
35. Hear my grandpa play with his Navy band again
36. Get my dad something autographed by the goalie of the 1984 USA Olympic Hockey Team
37. Play hockey with my dad
38. Get better at ice skating
39. Teach a kid how to ride a bike
40. Hike at least 100 miles of the Appalachian trail
41. Enjoy a cafe au lait in Paris
42. Vacation with Justin
43. See the Louvre. All of it.
44. Tell off a racist
45. Share a milkshake with Justin: two straws, one cup
46. Drink expensive champagne
47. Cook Thanksgiving dinner for my family
49. Write a poem for Justin
50. Draw a picture for Jessica
Sunday, November 23, 2008
I have to get on these.
Inspired by Maggie Mason's Mighty Life list (100 things to do before I go), the beginnings of which can be found here. These are in no particular order and I probably won't think of 100 things tonight, but here's the first part of a first draft.
1. Build a craft room
2. Own/start a business doing something I love
3. Visit Mexico again
4. Sit in hot springs in Iceland
5. Indulge in architecture in Prague
6. Tea in India with tea pickers
7. Learn conversational/basic French
8. Become fluent in Spanish
9. See the northern lights in Alaska
10. Sleigh ride in Quebec
11. Tap a tree for maple syrup in Vermont
12. Have children
13. Get married
14. Write a memoir for future generations of my family to read
15. Learn as much about my ancestry as possible from my grandparents
16. Continue the genealogical work they've done
17. Invest money in a company I believe in
18. Knit a sweater
19. Take ballet lessons
20. Go on vacation with my best lady friend
21. Write a children's book (for my kids or a wider audience)
22. Take a road trip to Minnesota
23. Sing in public again
24. Learn the names of birds and how to recognize them and their songs
25. Create a self portrait that I'm happy with
I am done for tonight!
1. Build a craft room
2. Own/start a business doing something I love
3. Visit Mexico again
4. Sit in hot springs in Iceland
5. Indulge in architecture in Prague
6. Tea in India with tea pickers
7. Learn conversational/basic French
8. Become fluent in Spanish
9. See the northern lights in Alaska
10. Sleigh ride in Quebec
11. Tap a tree for maple syrup in Vermont
12. Have children
13. Get married
14. Write a memoir for future generations of my family to read
15. Learn as much about my ancestry as possible from my grandparents
16. Continue the genealogical work they've done
17. Invest money in a company I believe in
18. Knit a sweater
19. Take ballet lessons
20. Go on vacation with my best lady friend
21. Write a children's book (for my kids or a wider audience)
22. Take a road trip to Minnesota
23. Sing in public again
24. Learn the names of birds and how to recognize them and their songs
25. Create a self portrait that I'm happy with
I am done for tonight!
Thursday, November 20, 2008
On what blogs have given me
A sense of failure for not posting every day! Ok maybe not. If I was that upset about it I probably would have posted every day.
A few weeks back my mother called me, as she does, and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she talked about something Heather had done. Well guess what! We do not know Heather. I have never met Heather and I probably never will because she is all the way over there and I am all the way over here. And yet I feel fine calling her by her first name. I am on a first name basis with about 40 awesome women I have never met, and my mother and I bond over the things they talk about to the internet. This is something that blogs have given me.
I have become someone who appreciates design, small victories, and good food, and I don't know that I would have become that kind of person were it not for the constant stream of inspiration in my life because of blogs. Amazing people post the things they love and I get to listen to them tell me all about why they love them. Have you ever been talking to someone and suddenly they light up like a Christmas tree when the subject makes its way around to typefaces? Even though typefaces are kind of specific and odd? And you walk away LOVING THE HELL out of typefaces and you start to see them differently, at least for a little bit? Isn't that the best? These blogs are like that for me. Is it lame that I found that in a bunch of people on the internet who don't know I exist? Maybe. But I am pretty sure that making me feel a little less alone and a lot more inspired is a better use for the internet than, say, two girls one cup (if you don't know what that is, don't Google it please).
Blogs have taught me how to knit (before Ravelry happened, and even a little bit still), how to take excellent pictures for my own blog should I choose to put a little effort into it, how to make things for my home and what to make when folks come over for dinner. This is just to name a few tangible things. They've also helped teach me how to be brave and stand up for myself and how to laugh off the things I can't change. They've shown me that absurd can be hilarious and that grieving doesn't make me a weak person. Most importantly they've reminded me that it is more than ok to be who I am because whoever I am, whoever WE are, we are most certainly beautiful.
When you mention blogging as a hobby, especially when you don't have anything to show for it other than a website made from butchered code with some dinosaurs on it and a habit of writing things down that you want to blog about later when you should be working, people tend to raise an eyebrow. What does it make? What does it DO? For that matter, why? Why do it at all? I think that for me it is pretty simple. I want stories. There are so many to find and they are told in so many ways. Nobody has to read anything on the internet and many people would feel better in general if they remembered that. But my story is here among all these other beautiful stories in case someone wants or needs it. It will help keep the pot full. That's enough for me.
A few weeks back my mother called me, as she does, and I could hear the excitement in her voice as she talked about something Heather had done. Well guess what! We do not know Heather. I have never met Heather and I probably never will because she is all the way over there and I am all the way over here. And yet I feel fine calling her by her first name. I am on a first name basis with about 40 awesome women I have never met, and my mother and I bond over the things they talk about to the internet. This is something that blogs have given me.
I have become someone who appreciates design, small victories, and good food, and I don't know that I would have become that kind of person were it not for the constant stream of inspiration in my life because of blogs. Amazing people post the things they love and I get to listen to them tell me all about why they love them. Have you ever been talking to someone and suddenly they light up like a Christmas tree when the subject makes its way around to typefaces? Even though typefaces are kind of specific and odd? And you walk away LOVING THE HELL out of typefaces and you start to see them differently, at least for a little bit? Isn't that the best? These blogs are like that for me. Is it lame that I found that in a bunch of people on the internet who don't know I exist? Maybe. But I am pretty sure that making me feel a little less alone and a lot more inspired is a better use for the internet than, say, two girls one cup (if you don't know what that is, don't Google it please).
Blogs have taught me how to knit (before Ravelry happened, and even a little bit still), how to take excellent pictures for my own blog should I choose to put a little effort into it, how to make things for my home and what to make when folks come over for dinner. This is just to name a few tangible things. They've also helped teach me how to be brave and stand up for myself and how to laugh off the things I can't change. They've shown me that absurd can be hilarious and that grieving doesn't make me a weak person. Most importantly they've reminded me that it is more than ok to be who I am because whoever I am, whoever WE are, we are most certainly beautiful.
When you mention blogging as a hobby, especially when you don't have anything to show for it other than a website made from butchered code with some dinosaurs on it and a habit of writing things down that you want to blog about later when you should be working, people tend to raise an eyebrow. What does it make? What does it DO? For that matter, why? Why do it at all? I think that for me it is pretty simple. I want stories. There are so many to find and they are told in so many ways. Nobody has to read anything on the internet and many people would feel better in general if they remembered that. But my story is here among all these other beautiful stories in case someone wants or needs it. It will help keep the pot full. That's enough for me.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
VOTE!
I voted. Did you? I hope if you haven't you are planning to because it's your country too, mister.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Pot au Feu
Justin and I just got back from an amazing dinner at Pot au Feu. The downstairs bistro is all Prevencal French food, and it's fabulously rich and delicious. I had the bouillabaisse and Justin had duck. Creme brulee for desert! And now we are fat and happy and full of delicious wine and foodstuffs.
It was kind of a goodbye to big eating for me, because I have packed on some pounds since moving up here. Lame. So tomorrow I'm off to sign up for the new gym down the street and kick my own ass. I will keep you posted on that because I know it is central to your life.
But for now there is a rather dapper young man in the bedroom and I think it rude to keep him waiting.
It was kind of a goodbye to big eating for me, because I have packed on some pounds since moving up here. Lame. So tomorrow I'm off to sign up for the new gym down the street and kick my own ass. I will keep you posted on that because I know it is central to your life.
But for now there is a rather dapper young man in the bedroom and I think it rude to keep him waiting.
Sunday, November 2, 2008
Kaching!
I just found a check from my insurance company for $694.00. I didn't even know I had it! I feel like I just won the lottery. I mean it's money I've already spent, so it's not REALLY a boon, but still. I am glad I can pay rent! And also maybe buy some clothes from Anthropologie. And some art from Etsy. Oh the possibilities! I am gonna go stimulate the hell out of this economy.
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Bienvenidos
Oh! Hello there. I didn't see you come in.
Welcome to NaBloPoMo 2008! I have been successfully unsuccessful at completing this whole thing for the last two years. Let's make it three, yes? Oui!
Let's start with a quick thing so I can move on from this intro that I always feel compelled to write even though I could just put a badge on the side of my blog to let you know my intention to post every day for a month. However, I suffer from code laziness and really it's not polite to push lazy people into doing things because laziness is kind of like a disability. I mean, would you tell a cripple to just get off his ass and walk already? No.
Today Justin and I were driving home from a Halloween visit to Maine when we came to our second toll booth. I was all, "Quick, give me the money!" because toll booths make me nervous for some reason. I am pretty sure they're judging me if I don't have exact change. Turns out I didn't need the money! Because the car in front of me had paid for my toll as well as hers.
WOWZA! It made my day. Thanks, random awesome stranger, for paying my toll and being awesome. I will most certainly pay your kindness forward, and not because of that stupid movie. I will do it because I WANT TO.
Also: here are our Halloween costumes. If you've played Silent Hill or seen the movie based on the video game, you will get it.
Justin was Pyramid Head:
And I was his trusty sidekick, the ever present dead creepy nurse:
We were pretty much the forkin' scariest people there. Every other chick was dressed as some variation of slut (except for Morgan, who is awesome and dressed as a bottle of tequila, and that girl whose costume was "whore." She was just dressed as a whore.)
Our costumes were pretty much 100% hand made which made it even better. Justin made a frame out of dowls and chicken wire, papier mached it and spray painted it. His skirt is a sheet we tied around him, and the sword is two pieces of metal siding stuck together and spray painted. My skirt is two pillowcases I sewed into a skirt, and the shirt started as a scrubs type medical shirt but I took it in a little and made it all wonky. My mom made the hat because she likes to help! Thanks mom. Then I ace bandaged my hair all in, and used the sticky kid of bandages for my face. That shit stayed on for about two hours before I got really claustrophobic and had to take it off. Then I just put on a red sweater and shoes, let my hair down, reattached the hat and WHABAM. Normal nurse. Yeah, that's right. My costume was a transformer.
Anyway it was an awesome Halloween and even though there was no costume contest, Justin and I totally won. We get a million points and won.
Welcome to NaBloPoMo 2008! I have been successfully unsuccessful at completing this whole thing for the last two years. Let's make it three, yes? Oui!
Let's start with a quick thing so I can move on from this intro that I always feel compelled to write even though I could just put a badge on the side of my blog to let you know my intention to post every day for a month. However, I suffer from code laziness and really it's not polite to push lazy people into doing things because laziness is kind of like a disability. I mean, would you tell a cripple to just get off his ass and walk already? No.
Today Justin and I were driving home from a Halloween visit to Maine when we came to our second toll booth. I was all, "Quick, give me the money!" because toll booths make me nervous for some reason. I am pretty sure they're judging me if I don't have exact change. Turns out I didn't need the money! Because the car in front of me had paid for my toll as well as hers.
WOWZA! It made my day. Thanks, random awesome stranger, for paying my toll and being awesome. I will most certainly pay your kindness forward, and not because of that stupid movie. I will do it because I WANT TO.
Also: here are our Halloween costumes. If you've played Silent Hill or seen the movie based on the video game, you will get it.
Justin was Pyramid Head:
And I was his trusty sidekick, the ever present dead creepy nurse:
We were pretty much the forkin' scariest people there. Every other chick was dressed as some variation of slut (except for Morgan, who is awesome and dressed as a bottle of tequila, and that girl whose costume was "whore." She was just dressed as a whore.)
Our costumes were pretty much 100% hand made which made it even better. Justin made a frame out of dowls and chicken wire, papier mached it and spray painted it. His skirt is a sheet we tied around him, and the sword is two pieces of metal siding stuck together and spray painted. My skirt is two pillowcases I sewed into a skirt, and the shirt started as a scrubs type medical shirt but I took it in a little and made it all wonky. My mom made the hat because she likes to help! Thanks mom. Then I ace bandaged my hair all in, and used the sticky kid of bandages for my face. That shit stayed on for about two hours before I got really claustrophobic and had to take it off. Then I just put on a red sweater and shoes, let my hair down, reattached the hat and WHABAM. Normal nurse. Yeah, that's right. My costume was a transformer.
Anyway it was an awesome Halloween and even though there was no costume contest, Justin and I totally won. We get a million points and won.
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